Throughout life, some people will be kind enough to provide us with negative feedback on matters that are sensitive to us.
At times, it will feel unfair or unjustified. Either because of the way the feedback was given. Or because it relates to our sense of identity. But we can learn to see feedback as an opportunity for growth and reflection.
a) Take negative feedback as a warm hug. A gift you can use to grow.
b) Next time someone gives you feedback, resist the urge to defend yourself. Listen attentively. Thank the other person for giving you their time and mental space.

Take feedback as a gift

How can we connect when we're more concerned with looking good and honing a fake persona than we are with being authentic and generous?
Doing a bad job doesn't make us worse people. And admitting our shortcomings doesn't make us less worthy. It's the generous thing to do. It invites growth. Furthers connection.

The stories we don't tell

For most of our lives, we have been conditioned to think primarily through the lenses of language. At a tender age, many of us put together and learned to feed an inner voice or internal dialogue. With time, we may have lost touch with other parts of our nature.
Words can do so much for us. But our ability to reason goes way beyond what we can verbalise. The heart. The gut feeling. — We know more about what is important or about what is right than we let ourselves believe. But sometimes it is hard to listen. It is easier to mute a beautiful, inherent part of our experience of the world than to trust something no one ever taught us how to deal when we were kids: How to use our intuition?
One way we can cultivate our intuition is by journaling. Or by asking ourselves every other Sunday: "What do I need right now?", "What's important for me?"

The heart

Heartbreak is inevitable. Anyone capable of love goes through one at some point in their life. We cannot avoid wounds and bruises but we might be able to reframe them.
The story we tell ourselves as we're sulking and going through the motions matters. We can see our distress as an opportunity for a deeper level of self-knowledge. Use the time to rediscover old passions. Cultivate friendships. Gain perspective.
We might not be able to control every aspect of a relationship. Or how a certain person might feel about us. But we're able to shape our mindset.
A positive mindset. A mindset of self-compassion will give us the insight we need to keep moving.

Heartbreak

The giants we learn about in school. The ones whose shoulders we stand on, were once small. Smaller, less experienced than us. They worried, many times, about crashing. Or about making fools out of themselves. They worried about dying alone.
It can be comforting to know we are all lost. Swirling around this blue planet, somehow, never feeling like we're good enough. Thankfully, it's not about whether we're good enough or not. — It's about who we want to be. Where we want to go. What we want to achieve. And we don't have to listen to the inner voice telling us we're not good enough. Because in the end, that doesn't matter. No one ever became president or broke a global record by accident.
What matters is the goal, the trajectory, our willingness to show up and do the work. The giants we celebrate today probably knew that no one can score without a goal. They took their time to define where they wanted to go. And they kept going. They were bold enough to keep showing up. And they kept growing. — We are perfectly capable of doing the same.
We're capable of daring to go where no one else went before us. Because we're capable of showing up. If we fail, we can get up and try again. And we can keep trying. And we can keep showing up. Until we become the person we ultimately know we can be.

Giants

At times, we may feel a certain inability to move on from someone we have deep feelings for. Someone who won't reciprocate our affection despite our valiant efforts and good charms.
We tell ourselves stories about how they are everything we are looking for. We imagine what it would be like if they saw us in a different light. What would it be like to kiss them? To date them?
There is not much we can do about someone else's feelings. And moving on is often the only sensible option.
We can remind ourselves that the appealing aspects that make us fall head over heels for someone are not exclusive. We may be able to find them elsewhere if we take the time to dissect and identify the tiny things that make us like someone in the first place.

Unrequited love

Every now and then, we can find tiny little monsters lurking around the corner. Mental setbacks. Fear. A lingering feeling of anxiety we can't seem to shake off.
These tiny little monsters always seem to find their way back to us. And our natural instinct can often press us to hide or run away. But doing so won't make them go away.
One way of dealing with them may be to see these monsters as holes that have been carved on a young tree. The holes don't disappear. But after some time, they are too small to make or define the mighty tree.
Past experiences shape us. Some may pierce our soul and leave us scarred. But they don't have to define us.

Tiny little monsters

At some point in life, we may find ourselves fighting for a place few people ever seem to get to. A job at a remarkable place. A deal with a record label. A signing with a publishing house.
The prospects of getting picked may seem hardly graspable. At times, we may ponder if we're good enough. Or if the phone will ever ring. After all, we're competing with millions of people. Some, with degrees from top tier universities, a better resume, more experience. More connections. Unfair advantages.
We may not get picked today, tomorrow or the day after. In fact, the phone may never ring. But we don't have to wait around. — We can pick ourselves. We can write a new blog post. Paint a new canvas. Make a new song. Build a new product. We can choose to show up and put in the work every single day.
We can decide that we will pick ourselves. Regardless of whether someone out there is listening.

A train that can't be stopped

Sometimes we're headed towards a dead end. And we keep on driving.
Some part of us knows we'll be in trouble soon and yet we hit the accelerator. And we come up with a thousand stories: There might be more to it than what meets the eye. We might get what we need it if we just keep on going. We might be able to break the wall if we're clever about how we go about it.
Trying to break a wall that doesn't want to be broken might just end up breaking us. — And to think there are other roads out there. Roads that might be worth waiting for. Roads that might get excited to have us riding them.

Roads worth waiting for

To which degree are we letting our fears and insecurities control how we perceive reality and the world around us?
Are we letting particular negative experiences dictate how we experience group interactions? Or public speaking opportunities?
Are we being held back by the fact that someone made us feel bad and inadequate for standing out and being different while growing up?
Most people we pass through don't care enough about us to give us much thought. Or to form an opinion. They might still carry their convictions and their world view. But like us, they are usually more concerned with how others might be perceiving them.
It might be time to stop holding back. To care less about how others perceive us. To express ourselves fully without feeling bad about standing out. At best, we'll thrive. At worst, we'll survive.

We'll survive

Sometimes we hold on to friendships that are no longer working. We hold on to that friend who was there for our sweet sixteen. We hold on to the group we formed in college, when we were still figuring out what we wanted. We hold on to people who have been in our lives for as long as we can remember. Even when the only things connecting us are our memory and a sense of obligation.
Relationships change because we change. What we want today might be completely different from what we wanted yesterday. And because we have separate goals, we take different paths. Acquire distinct values.
We must come to terms with fact that letting people go might be a necessary part of growing up. Spending time with old friends might not be fun anymore. It might end up draining us more than it energise us. And that's okay.
Having the courage to let go of relationships that don't sustain us might be exactly what we need to create space for more meaningful connection.

Letting relationships go

The idea that someone should have to meet requirements like a certain age or height. Or belong to a certain circle to become a suitable partner might not be serving us.
We might be hurting our chances at finding deep connection because we haven't given enough thought to what might, in fact, make us happy.
The connection and intimacy we long for might be out there for us to grab if we decide to open ourselves to other worlds. If we decide to widen our criteria. If we decide that other people's perception of us can't be more important than our own.

Requirements

Sometimes we are afraid of giving ourselves to others. Lessons learned from the past. Perhaps, from a time when a friend or loved one behaved in a way that betrayed our values or expectations. Perhaps, when we were kids. People often fail to meet those expectations. They are self-absorbed, unaware. We're guilty too. I imagine it to be part of our animalistic nature.
We'll never be able to predict how the people we care about will react to our love and affection. But our scars can't, nor should make us run away forever from moments of intimacy and vulnerability. We can choose to see the best in people. By accepting, realising people are intrinsically flawed. And will disappoint us sooner rather than later. We will too. We can, nonetheless, persist on being kind and on opening ourselves to others, even when we're afraid. Especially when we are afraid.
Our heart may crumble if things go sour but even if they do we will eventually get up. Like we have always did in the past. Take a chance on people. Take a chance on loving others.

Take a chance

It’s easy to forget that every single person you interact with, is going through something you are not aware of. Learn to be compassionate and always remember to be kind. To you and to others.

Be kind

Next time you feel like giving up, realise that, this might be a good indication that you are out of your comfort zone. Do not let that stop you from moving.
Fight or flight mechanisms are a necessary part of growth. Acknowledging that you are overwhelmed. Acknowledging that you want to run or hide, is already half the battle.
Take a deep breath and call someone who can listen. You’ll be stronger tomorrow.

On feeling like giving up

It’s easy to overlook the present, when we are too focused on anticipating what’s coming. On chasing goals. Painting dreams.
It can be important to stop and realise that, what we use to define “these days”, will soon define “the good old days”. — The place we live in. Our circle of friends. What we look forward to, when we wake up. Or when we go to bed. Everything must change, because that’s what time is made of. Change.
Looking back, we become enamoured with the “good old days”. But they won’t happen again. And neither will today.
What are you grateful for today? And how would you go about showing someone that you care for them?

Essays on emotional intelligence