Throughout life, some people will be kind enough to provide us with negative feedback on matters that are sensitive to us.
At times, it will feel unfair or unjustified. Either because of the way the feedback was given. Or because it relates to our sense of identity. But we can learn to see feedback as an opportunity for growth and reflection.
a) Take negative feedback as a warm hug. A gift you can use to grow.
b) Next time someone gives you feedback, resist the urge to defend yourself. Listen attentively. Thank the other person for giving you their time and mental space.

Take feedback as a gift

We can choose to be surrounded by people who inspire us. People who bring out the best in us. People who make us better every day, just because of their presence.
If there's someone out there who is like the kind of person we want to be, we can choose to engage them. Captivate them.
The people we spend time with are our future. — The things we eat. The thoughts we have. The beliefs we develop. The goals we define. Everything's shaped in a way or another by their presence.
Who are you choosing?

A choice

Most people you interact with will show you some kind of support if given the opportunity. And although support is nice, you need to learn how to create a filter. Words are nice but they're easy. Most people say nice things because they want us to like them or because that's their default.
Accepting criticism and a certain kind of inquisitiveness can be hard. It can feel like a personal attack or lack of belief in our capabilities. And it hurts when it comes from the people we love the most. But that's often what we need to grow.
Build the habit of reflecting on why people say what they say. What are they trying to achieve?
a) Hold on to people who give you a hard time. It often means they care so much that they are willing to make you deslike them a little.
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I'm so grateful to have family and friends that challange me. Thank you dearest Sarah, Dad, Paty, Amin and Joni for caring. I cheerish you and I hope I can provide you healthy discomfort throughout our lives.

Pats in the back

Years of peer pressure, along with the expectations and shortcomings of our caretakers may have caused us to color inside the lines one too many times. Along the way, we may have forgotten how to fully express ourselves. Like a muscle that gradually wastes away when we don’t use it.
When we are bold, when we express ourselves without fear, we issue other people an invitation to do the same. We create new rules. We start a transformation. And that’s how culture changes.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/6xYLhuB.png" alt="This is a picture of myself">

Authenti-city

Social circles can be a source of comfort, support, fulfilment and growth. As someone who builds communities, I’m aware of the compounding advantages that come with being part of an additional circle. We have more people to learn with. More access to opportunities. A richer perspective of the world. And more protection when things go wrong. Having that in mind, accessing new circles and maintaining strong connections over long periods of time is hard. Most of us are part of less than 4 social circles. And our ability to influence them is often limited: It's easier to find a new employer, university or religion than it is to try and change the culture that defines them. But that’s not the case with family.
Families are institutions. They have a culture. Although we don't pick them when we're born, we have a higher degree of agency over them. The key insight about families is that they are not cohesive by default but they are malleable. We can shape them with time and patience.
Regardless of how we might feel about our extended family, they’ll always be part of our life. Friends, colleagues, teachers, mentors come and go. But family stays. It makes sense to invest time and energy building close bonds and cultivating a wiser, wealthier and emotional intelligent environment. We're investing in our future happiness. And we help generate a virtuous cycle that may make everyone better off in the long run.
Looking at the future, I can only hope that my kids grow up with a high sense of belonging and self-esteem that often comes with being part of nurturing social circles early on. And I know that in order to achieve that, I have to start doing the work today.

Invest in your family

Heartbreak is inevitable. Anyone capable of love goes through one at some point in their life. We cannot avoid wounds and bruises but we might be able to reframe them.
The story we tell ourselves as we're sulking and going through the motions matters. We can see our distress as an opportunity for a deeper level of self-knowledge. Use the time to rediscover old passions. Cultivate friendships. Gain perspective.
We might not be able to control every aspect of a relationship. Or how a certain person might feel about us. But we're able to shape our mindset.
A positive mindset. A mindset of self-compassion will give us the insight we need to keep moving.

Heartbreak

Sometimes we hold on to friendships that are no longer working. We hold on to that friend who was there for our sweet sixteen. We hold on to the group we formed in college, when we were still figuring out what we wanted. We hold on to people who have been in our lives for as long as we can remember. Even when the only things connecting us are our memory and a sense of obligation.
Relationships change because we change. What we want today might be completely different from what we wanted yesterday. And because we have separate goals, we take different paths. Acquire distinct values.
We must come to terms with fact that letting people go might be a necessary part of growing up. Spending time with old friends might not be fun anymore. It might end up draining us more than it energise us. And that's okay.
Having the courage to let go of relationships that don't sustain us might be exactly what we need to create space for more meaningful connection.

Letting relationships go

The idea that someone should have to meet requirements like a certain age or height. Or belong to a certain circle to become a suitable partner might not be serving us.
We might be hurting our chances at finding deep connection because we haven't given enough thought to what might, in fact, make us happy.
The connection and intimacy we long for might be out there for us to grab if we decide to open ourselves to other worlds. If we decide to widen our criteria. If we decide that other people's perception of us can't be more important than our own.

Requirements

Sometimes we are afraid of giving ourselves to others. Lessons learned from the past. Perhaps, from a time when a friend or loved one behaved in a way that betrayed our values or expectations. Perhaps, when we were kids. People often fail to meet those expectations. They are self-absorbed, unaware. We're guilty too. I imagine it to be part of our animalistic nature.
We'll never be able to predict how the people we care about will react to our love and affection. But our scars can't, nor should make us run away forever from moments of intimacy and vulnerability. We can choose to see the best in people. By accepting, realising people are intrinsically flawed. And will disappoint us sooner rather than later. We will too. We can, nonetheless, persist on being kind and on opening ourselves to others, even when we're afraid. Especially when we are afraid.
Our heart may crumble if things go sour but even if they do we will eventually get up. Like we have always did in the past. Take a chance on people. Take a chance on loving others.

Take a chance

As we go through life, we find ourselves in different places. Different chapters. Weeks, months and years go by. Work gets in the way. We get busy and without meaning to, relationships that used to be everything fade away.
We may tell ourselves a different story. Like how real friendships last forever. However, friendships have to be earned. If we really care about them, we have to put in the effort.
One thing we can do is to schedule time to be with the people we care about.
Even though it may feel unnatural, setting time in advance ensures we get to spend quality time with the people who are important. No matter how much work we have in our hands.

Make time

It’s easy to forget that every single person you interact with, is going through something you are not aware of. Learn to be compassionate and always remember to be kind. To you and to others.

Essays on relationships